As a amateur comic I’ve done a lot of shows with a lot of talented people. And I’ve also sat and watched a lot of other talented acts as well. These are some of my favorite jokes from comics I’ve done shows with or watched. WARNING most of these jokes can be taken as highly offensive, if you yourself are particularly taken by edgy material… do not read further. And keep in mind, this stuff is all in fun, none of it is meant seriously. And yes, because I’am an egomaniac I have thrown one or two of my own jokes in there as well. Enjoy!

“People say don’t throw stones if you live in a glass house. Ok, my saying is, don’t throw stones regardless of housing situation. That’s just shitty behavior. Unless of course you’re stuck inside a glass house. If you’re stuck inside a glass house and you have a stone, throw the stone. What are you an idiot? So really it’s only people who are stuck inside a glass house that should throw stones.” -Demetri Martin

“When the Passion of the Christ came out, the Jewish community were up on arms and didn’t want people to watch it. Cause it blamed the Jews for the killing of Christ. The Christians blamed the Jews, the Jews tried to brush off the blame to the Romans, I’m one of the few people that still believe it was the blacks that did it.” -Sarah Silverman

“You ever see that show, Are You Smarter Than A 5th Grader? That’s not a show, that’s a fucking crisis. What’s next? Retard vs Vending Machine? ‘I want my Mountain Dew!’ Will retard get his Mountain Dew? Stay tuned on Fox!” -Simon King

“I like rainbows, but I can never say that because it’s gay. So when I wear my rainbow t-shirt I have to write, ‘Not Gay’ underneath the rainbow. But I also have nothing against gay people so underneath that I have to write ‘But Supportive.’ I don’t know I just think it’s kinda weird that one group took refractive light. Pretty greedy, gays.” -Demetri Martin

“Multiple orgasms are for pussies.” -Jeremy Ryan

“I don’t like how the voting system works in high school year books. I was looking at my old year book a while back ago and one of my friends was voted most likely to succeed, I thought good for him. I had another friend that was voted most likely to marry, I thought lucky her. I on the other hand was voted most likely to date rape. Which sucks cause now I can’t show my year book to any of my dates, cause I don’t want to spoil the surprise.” -Anthony Ascue

“(after making a wheelchair joke) I don’t normally do that joke, but there are stairs here so fuck it.” -Jason Rouse

“I was having dinner with my girlfriends parents last week and it was going great up until her mom asked me the question ‘So Anthony, when are we going to finally meet your parents?’ I said I don’t know, I’m not that serious about your daughter.” -Anthony Jeselnik

“If you’re buying a pregnancy test from Seven Eleven at 3:30 in the morning… you’re fucking pregnant!” -Erica Sigurdson

“Doggy style is a move reserved for married people. Because it says, yes I want to have sex with you, but I also don’t want to look at you right now.” -Steve Byrne

“(acting out the doggy style position) And I’m about to climax, and how do I orgasm? Easy, the only way I know how. I light off two Roman candles and shoot them off in the air with my arms spread open, I lean forward and whisper ‘I’m celebrating, you.’” -Steve Byrne

“What are your fitness goals? I'd like to have sex with better looking women. Or at least be strong enough to rape them.” -John Beuhler

“I never liked Eliot Spitzer until he got busted with a hooker. Then I was sorry to see him leave office. I felt like there was finally someone in the government who represented my interests.” -Jim Norton

“I think I might vote for Barack Obama. Because I live in New York City and have been giving black guys change for the past 10 years. I want to see what it feels like for a black guy to give me change.” -Nick Dipaolo

“Almost all serial killers are men. That's 'cause women like to kill one man slowly over many, many years.” -Robert Duchaine

“Everyone’s talking about the presidential race going on in America right now. Look I don’t know much about anything, but I know this, in a race between a 60 year old white woman and a 40 year old black man… the black man wins the race.” -Simon King

“I had a bully as a kid. He was dyslexic, so he used to stick "Me Kick" signs on my back. Then everyone thought I was the bully - with bad grammar and the courtesy to give a heads up.” -Josh Comers

“I like to play rock, paper, scissors with my cousin Lou. Cause I always beat him. Last time we played I beat him 80 times in a row. And it’s not because I’m any good at it or anything, it’s mostly because last year Lou lost both his hands in a work related incident, and as we all know scissors will always beat stub. I'm sorry, but stub beats nothing. Unless you marry Paul McCartney, then it beats legal proceedings.” -Anthony Ascue

Well I hope you guys enjoyed that. Let me know which ones you liked the best. And hey, if there's a comedy show going on in your town... please support it. God knows us comics need the money :P

Great stuff!

Thanks for all the laughs.

Peace.

E

Hahaha!!!

Take my wife.......please!

Sorry, big bucks no whammies :P

- quoted from dMo on 03 Jun 2008, 02:33:28
Hahaha!!!

Take my wife.......please!

I'll post more on here later and I'll post up some videos if you guys want.

This is Canadian comic Rob Pue. He was in Vancouver for a while, sucks that he left, but he's in Toronto now.

This is comic Steve Byrne, it's his "Doggy style" bit. The first part of it is in the written part of this thread, this is the bit in its entirety.

This is Vancouver comic Jy Harris. One of the nicest guys you'll ever meet. Back when I used to host a comedy show in my home town of Surrey, this guy once headlined my room. Needless to say he's gone on to bigger things lol. He's also played a reoccurring character as a failed porn star in the Jerry Spring show. Yes that show is scripted.

This is Vancouver comic Pete Johansson. He's probably the biggest and most successful comic in town. He books the local Yuk Yuks and has been on countless comedy festivals and TV shows.

I laughed pretty hard when I saw this. This is comic/UFC commentator Joe Rogan, watching the infamous 2 girls 1 cup video. His reaction says it all.